When You're Hearing Too Many "Shoulds"
Over the past few months I've written about some of the challenges we may be facing during this time of sheltering in place. I've talked about shifting perspective from what may be reasonable to what's actually realistic, and how we might look at "giving enough" in the face of so much need. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is the burden of hearing "shoulds." Do you sometimes hear them in your head?
Once they get started, they can play on a loop, with one building upon the next until it seems like they're everywhere we turn. "You should do this." "You shouldn't have done that." "You should." "You should." "You should." Hearing this chorus is exhausting and demoralizing. And it does nothing to help us be our best self. On the contrary, it tells us that we are anything but good.
As a therapist, I worked with a lot of clients on struggles around "shoulds," and there is much that I could say about the topic. But just two key points seem critical to me these days: (1) we are probably all more susceptible to onslaughts of "shoulding" in this fraught time; and (2) an easy and effective way to put a stop to this stressor is simply to change our "shoulds" to "coulds." For example, "I should be making more masks" can be switched up to, "I could make more masks." Likewise, "I shouldn't have gotten so upset with my neighbor" might become, "I could have been more patient with my neighbor," or, "I could try to be more understanding next time."
Here's a fact about "should" that sometimes comes as a surprise: it's a shaming word. It's such a common one in our culture that it may seem as though we just tune it out. But for many -- perhaps most -- people, it sticks. And it can cause us lasting distress.
"Should" is rigid; it invokes judgment and superiority, and a narrow definition of correctness. My "should" to you says that I know better, that what you're doing is wrong, and that I observe your shortcomings. And I get the same messages from "shoulds" I take in, whether they come from someone else or from old tapes that play in my head. We take in a shaming message of failure to measure up when we hear -- or tell ourselves -- "should."
"Could," on the other hand, is an empowering word. It implies choice, agency, and flexibility, and a spectrum of accuracy and acceptability. "I shouldn't let this get to me" can be self-defeating. In contrast, "I could reach out for comfort and ask for some help" validates and encourages.
"Shoulds" are habit-forming, and they are all around us. So don't judge yourself harshly if you hear a lot of them in your head. Especially now, when we are all under extra stress. Instead, if you sense one coming on and are able to do so, just try changing it to a "could." Or rephrase it as a "could" later, when you've had some time to think about it.
Back on March 31 I wrote an entry about deep breathing. You might want to read it again, and combine slow, deep breathing with paying attention to your "shoulds." If those judging "shoulds" are a challenge for you these days, here's an easy exercise that might be helpful: when you hear a "should" in your head or you say it aloud about yourself, hit pause, take a few deep breaths, and gently rephrase your statement with "could." Then take another breath or two and see what you feel in your body. Does the shift to "could" have any physical impact upon you? Can you feel some tension release, or sense an opening in your chest? Over time, with practice, you may find that you do experience a sensation of greater ease when you change your "shoulds" to "coulds."
Until tomorrow, stay safe and take good care, and be kind to yourself.
Love,
Nancie/Mom/Mimi/Grandma
Once they get started, they can play on a loop, with one building upon the next until it seems like they're everywhere we turn. "You should do this." "You shouldn't have done that." "You should." "You should." "You should." Hearing this chorus is exhausting and demoralizing. And it does nothing to help us be our best self. On the contrary, it tells us that we are anything but good.
As a therapist, I worked with a lot of clients on struggles around "shoulds," and there is much that I could say about the topic. But just two key points seem critical to me these days: (1) we are probably all more susceptible to onslaughts of "shoulding" in this fraught time; and (2) an easy and effective way to put a stop to this stressor is simply to change our "shoulds" to "coulds." For example, "I should be making more masks" can be switched up to, "I could make more masks." Likewise, "I shouldn't have gotten so upset with my neighbor" might become, "I could have been more patient with my neighbor," or, "I could try to be more understanding next time."
Here's a fact about "should" that sometimes comes as a surprise: it's a shaming word. It's such a common one in our culture that it may seem as though we just tune it out. But for many -- perhaps most -- people, it sticks. And it can cause us lasting distress.
"Should" is rigid; it invokes judgment and superiority, and a narrow definition of correctness. My "should" to you says that I know better, that what you're doing is wrong, and that I observe your shortcomings. And I get the same messages from "shoulds" I take in, whether they come from someone else or from old tapes that play in my head. We take in a shaming message of failure to measure up when we hear -- or tell ourselves -- "should."
"Could," on the other hand, is an empowering word. It implies choice, agency, and flexibility, and a spectrum of accuracy and acceptability. "I shouldn't let this get to me" can be self-defeating. In contrast, "I could reach out for comfort and ask for some help" validates and encourages.
Back on March 31 I wrote an entry about deep breathing. You might want to read it again, and combine slow, deep breathing with paying attention to your "shoulds." If those judging "shoulds" are a challenge for you these days, here's an easy exercise that might be helpful: when you hear a "should" in your head or you say it aloud about yourself, hit pause, take a few deep breaths, and gently rephrase your statement with "could." Then take another breath or two and see what you feel in your body. Does the shift to "could" have any physical impact upon you? Can you feel some tension release, or sense an opening in your chest? Over time, with practice, you may find that you do experience a sensation of greater ease when you change your "shoulds" to "coulds."
Until tomorrow, stay safe and take good care, and be kind to yourself.
Love,
Nancie/Mom/Mimi/Grandma
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