Having Hard Conversations
For those of us who live in White bodies and want to make a difference around racism, one of the most important things we can do is have intentional conversations with other Whites about our racist culture and White privilege. And those conversations can be hard.
A friend recently shared an e-mail chain from her workplace. She and her colleagues were discussing a proposal to change the practices of the security guards at her work site. A group of Black employees had made the request, and one of her White colleagues had sent a group e-mail to a number of White employees urging them to join together in supporting it.
The first person who answered the group message rejected the request; another person chimed in to agree. Then there were a couple of e-mails supporting the idea. One of these accused the first writer of not being honest about their racism. And then things turned ugly.
The first writer responded with cursing and accusations, and demanded an immediate apology. That was refused. The war of words escalated.
Then another person stepped in to make four important points:
Friends, these are fraught times already. The pandemic has everyone on edge. We have a lot of work to do to dismantle White supremacy, and a long road to travel. We can't do it, and we won't get there, if we don't try to bring along as many people as we can. Yes, it was helpful that the conversation turned in a more productive direction. And of course it's a good thing that the group of supporters grew. But the person who challenged the first writer missed an opportunity to bring that person along, and there are lessons here for all of us who want to help bring change.
The first is to be humble. Humility helps us listen to each other with open hearts, and allows us to learn from each conversation without blaming, recrimination, or shame-based defensiveness. So in the spirit of humility -- and with the luxury of 20-20 hindsight -- I offer this take on how the conversation could have gone differently.
One of the basic rules of persuasion is to find places of commonality or agreement, and build upon them. The first writer's rejection included an explanation. It was fear. Fear of what the change could mean, and fear of involving the local police department if the security guards were no longer able to perform certain tasks. I see both commonality and potential agreement here.
While the writers were expressing different fears -- fears for one's own safety, and fears for the safety of others -- they held a common emotion. They may have even shared the same fears. Fear of being labeled or misunderstood, fear of being shamed, or fear of failure in trying to achieve a goal may have been running in the background for each of them. Fear was a place of potential connection for these two. It might have given them a foundation for listening to each other with curiosity instead of condemnation.
Given what I read in their e-mails, it's also clear that the two writers share some negative opinions about public police. That baseline agreement could have given traction to a deeper discussion. They might not have come to the same conclusion in the end, but they might have been able to agree on other actions to advance their common cause of ending police brutality. That's another lesson: keep your eyes on the prize. The real goal is not to win an argument, but to dismantle systemic and structural racism.
My purpose here is to critique and offer help, not to criticize or judge. The second writer even mentioned that it had already been a brutal week before the online argument erupted late at night. And as I mentioned, we know that we are all carrying a heavy load of fear, anxiety, grief, and uncertainty. These are unprecedented times for every one of us. So here are some strategies that can help us all have better outcomes when we need to discuss hard things:
Tensions are high, emotions are high, and the stakes are urgent and enormous. We need every White person of good will to work toward dismantling our culture of White supremacy. We ALL have blind spots and need more education, more humility, and more hard conversations. Let's do our best to have them, and give grace to those who have them with us.
I'll be back soon with some information about Juneteenth events. In the meantime, here is a classic explanation of invisible White privilege and both individual and systemic racism. It's Dr. Robin DiAngelo's 2017 video, "Deconstructing White Privilege." Regardless of our level of awareness around these subjects, if we are White, this is a message we need to hear over and over again.
And if you haven't yet seen it, now would be a good time to see Ava DuVernay's powerful documentary "13th" You can find it on Netflix, and I believe that it is free for a time.
Love,
Nancie/Mom/Mimi/Grandma
A friend recently shared an e-mail chain from her workplace. She and her colleagues were discussing a proposal to change the practices of the security guards at her work site. A group of Black employees had made the request, and one of her White colleagues had sent a group e-mail to a number of White employees urging them to join together in supporting it.
The first person who answered the group message rejected the request; another person chimed in to agree. Then there were a couple of e-mails supporting the idea. One of these accused the first writer of not being honest about their racism. And then things turned ugly.
The first writer responded with cursing and accusations, and demanded an immediate apology. That was refused. The war of words escalated.
Then another person stepped in to make four important points:
- Whites built the systems of racial oppression, and Whites must dismantle them;
- The work will be uncomfortable;
- Silence speaks: it's a vote for the status quo; and
- Whites need to educate themselves rather than ask Blacks to do it for them.
Friends, these are fraught times already. The pandemic has everyone on edge. We have a lot of work to do to dismantle White supremacy, and a long road to travel. We can't do it, and we won't get there, if we don't try to bring along as many people as we can. Yes, it was helpful that the conversation turned in a more productive direction. And of course it's a good thing that the group of supporters grew. But the person who challenged the first writer missed an opportunity to bring that person along, and there are lessons here for all of us who want to help bring change.
The first is to be humble. Humility helps us listen to each other with open hearts, and allows us to learn from each conversation without blaming, recrimination, or shame-based defensiveness. So in the spirit of humility -- and with the luxury of 20-20 hindsight -- I offer this take on how the conversation could have gone differently.
One of the basic rules of persuasion is to find places of commonality or agreement, and build upon them. The first writer's rejection included an explanation. It was fear. Fear of what the change could mean, and fear of involving the local police department if the security guards were no longer able to perform certain tasks. I see both commonality and potential agreement here.
While the writers were expressing different fears -- fears for one's own safety, and fears for the safety of others -- they held a common emotion. They may have even shared the same fears. Fear of being labeled or misunderstood, fear of being shamed, or fear of failure in trying to achieve a goal may have been running in the background for each of them. Fear was a place of potential connection for these two. It might have given them a foundation for listening to each other with curiosity instead of condemnation.
Given what I read in their e-mails, it's also clear that the two writers share some negative opinions about public police. That baseline agreement could have given traction to a deeper discussion. They might not have come to the same conclusion in the end, but they might have been able to agree on other actions to advance their common cause of ending police brutality. That's another lesson: keep your eyes on the prize. The real goal is not to win an argument, but to dismantle systemic and structural racism.
My purpose here is to critique and offer help, not to criticize or judge. The second writer even mentioned that it had already been a brutal week before the online argument erupted late at night. And as I mentioned, we know that we are all carrying a heavy load of fear, anxiety, grief, and uncertainty. These are unprecedented times for every one of us. So here are some strategies that can help us all have better outcomes when we need to discuss hard things:
- Choose the best possible time for the conversation. At the least, that means when we're fed, rested, feeling physically healthy, and have had some exercise, if possible. The worst times to try to have a hard conversation are right after work or late in the evening. Stress, hunger, illness, and fatigue make it almost impossible for us to stay humble, curious, and centered.
- Choose the best possible medium for the conversation. E-mail is better than text, but both are risky ways to communicate about any important topic. While we cannot be together these days as we were before the pandemic, we can at least speak on the telephone, use a video conference app, or meet for a masked and socially distanced conversation.
- Try to confirm that both parties are as emotionally available as they can be. This may be nothing more than asking, "Is this a good time to talk?," or "May I talk to you now about something that's really important to me?" We can't know what's going on in another's mind, heart, or body, so it only makes sense that we check in first to see if it's a good time for the other person to have a hard conversation before we begin.
- Lay some simple ground rules. This might seem awkward, but it doesn't need to be. You might start by saying something like, "I know that this conversation might be difficult, so please bear with me if I say something that sounds harsh. It's not my intention to judge you." Or ask the other person to let you know if taking a break might be helpful. The goal here is to lower the temperature and try to avoid triggering a reactive response.
- Try to maintain a curious stance. This is true both for what the other person says ("Please tell me more; help me understand what you mean") and for your reaction to it. "Why does that hit me this way?" is a more productive question than, "Why would you say such a thing?"
- Try to really listen. This seems obvious, but it's such a hard thing to do. We all listen with filters, assumptions, opinions, and distractions in our way. We often try to formulate our response while the other person is still talking. Those are familiar habits. Just do the best you can to set it all aside and listen closely without judging or jumping to conclusions, and without interrupting.
- Remember that we're all just trying to get our needs met. And the most basic needs are safety and acceptance. Fear of harm or rejection drives a lot of how we move in the world. Fear often manifests as anger; so does sadness, or a combination of the two. Just trying to keep this in mind can help us to be curious rather than reactive when someone responds to us in an angry way. It can also help us to know our own self better when we feel an angry reaction rising up.
- Assume positive intent. There will be an opportunity to reassess if the person you talk to displays actual hostility toward you. But if you are intentionally trying to have a hard conversation, the odds are that you have already determined that there is some hope of having a productive interaction. Assuming the worst of the other person won't help you reach that goal.
- Be kind. It seems so basic, but we miss this one all the time. We're especially likely to forget ourselves when the stakes are high and we care deeply. And the mean-spiritedness of much public discourse these days doesn't help. Here again, though, if we remember our goal -- to make lasting change and persuade others to join us in the effort -- we'll be less likely to resort to insults, accusations, and name-calling.
Tensions are high, emotions are high, and the stakes are urgent and enormous. We need every White person of good will to work toward dismantling our culture of White supremacy. We ALL have blind spots and need more education, more humility, and more hard conversations. Let's do our best to have them, and give grace to those who have them with us.
I'll be back soon with some information about Juneteenth events. In the meantime, here is a classic explanation of invisible White privilege and both individual and systemic racism. It's Dr. Robin DiAngelo's 2017 video, "Deconstructing White Privilege." Regardless of our level of awareness around these subjects, if we are White, this is a message we need to hear over and over again.
And if you haven't yet seen it, now would be a good time to see Ava DuVernay's powerful documentary "13th" You can find it on Netflix, and I believe that it is free for a time.
Love,
Nancie/Mom/Mimi/Grandma
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